Brief thoughts on The Muppets and not-so-brief thoughts on

Oh my holy Hottentottin’ crap, y’all, this movie made me laugh so hard that at one point I fell out of my seat onto the movie theater floor and didn’t care

Now, my reaction at that point was strictly due to my feelings regarding singing chickens and one Mr. CeeLo Green, so your mileage, as always, may vary. I did laugh a lot at this movie, and at a lot of different things.

Singing Chickens + CeeLo Green + Me = literal ROFL

Go see this movie. Go see it a lot. If you can get out of the theater without one of the songs stuck in your head, please have yourself examined by medical professionals because you are CHRONICALLY FUNNYBONE DEFICIENT and that’s no way to go through life.

Also? One of the things I *really* liked about the movie is that in the Big Dance Numbers, the dancers were of diverse ages and sizes. There were old people, young people, skinny people AND FAT PEOPLE DANCING BECAUSE WE CAN DANCE IF WE WANT TO, WE CAN LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS BEHIND.

Oh, I appear to have jumped on my soapbox. So, let me tell you a little about the TWO frakin’ commercials I had to sit through for, who can kindly kiss my ever dancin’ single and singular behind. The tagline for this commercial was some allmighty bullcrap about finding your ‘better half’.

Ok, sweet peas, as I am a fully bilateral humanoid, I was issued a full set of halves at my conception. My right side is dominant, however I would not classify it as either better or worse because it is also the side that has the most joint pain. As I am someone with a chronic degenerative joint disorder, though, I expect one day the left side will catch up in that regard. Either way, I love both my halves as with them I am a whole human being.

Therefore, I do not need any partner to make me ‘complete’, ‘whole’, ‘useful’, ‘contributing’, or ‘valued’.

One day, I may find a partner whose personality and talents complement mine. Complement, according to, means “add to (something) in a way that enhances or improves it”.

Because I? Am pretty damn awesome.

Now, it took me a long, long, LONG damn time and many missteps to get to the point where I can read the intensely negative cultural messages towards singlehood in’s little adverts. They are trying to sell you something, therefore they are creating and feeding and nurturing a fear so they can then provide you with the band-aid at a low, low, monthly fee.

They are not your friends.
They are not looking out for your best interests.
They see you as a commodity at best, a paycheck at worst.

I have absolutely nothing against people who are partnered, or are seeking a partner. What does piss me off are two things: people who are so desperate to not be seen as an incomplete, useless, valueless person that they rush into relationships that are emotionally and (sometimes) physically damaging; and partnered people who insist that their single friends need to be partnered, too, right now, damnit, there’s this nice person I know who would be perfect for you…

(I’m not mentioning names, but I am giving serious Internet side-eye to two friends I dealt with this week, both of whom are repeat offenders in this regard despite my frequent, vociferous explanations of DO NOT WANT.)

So, yeah, this was going to have an awesomesauce conclusion, but for some odd reason I decided to answer my cell phone while I was at work (something I rarely do) and it was The Call from the Portland Timbers ticket office to upgrade my half season plan to a full season in 2012 so I am running around the office doing this, now.

Portland Timbers – Tetris Dance from Lane Scheideman on Vimeo.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.