Yeah, I know. I don’t blog about food very often any more. I still eat, because the alternative to eating is DYING. But I lost the urge to spend hours on making a pretty plate to post photos of on the Internet.
Which doesn’t mean I’ve stopped reading food blogs. I’ve scaled back a bit, sure, but I do read them frequently.
And there’s a lot of things that food bloggers do when writing about food that DRIVE ME UP THE EVER-LIVING WALL.
Here’s a list.
1) Do not make disparaging comments about your body. Wait, let me repeat this. DO NOT MAKE DISPARAGING COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR BODY. It is America, you have every right to buy into the corporate bullcrap that your body isn’t perfect and if you just buy one more thing, it will be perfect and you will be fulfilled and loved and wealthy and wonderful. Just as I have every right to put your blog on my “Never Read Again” list. Self-Esteem. Look into it.
2) SPELL CHECK. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
2a) Commit The Oatmeal’s 10 Words You Need To Stop Misspelling to memory.
2b) And The Oatmeal’s How To Use an Apostrophe
2c) And Hyperbole and a Half’s The Alot is Better Than You At Everything.
3) Condescending remarks about your spouse/significant other/children are not on. Neither are jokes at their expense. It makes you look like a jackass.
4) Repeating compliments you got on your cooking and then saying how no, no it really wasn’t great isn’t humility. It’s jackassery. Unfortunately, like hating on your body, not taking a compliment is something we’re taught how to do in this culture. Be countercultural and subversive. Teach yourself to reply to compliments with a ‘thank you!’
5) Food is neither evil nor good. It is morally neutral. Unless it’s baby sealcakes topped with koala foam served to you by a drunk toddler. It’s not? It’s just got a smidge of chocolate? It’s not evil. It’s food. You have every right to eat tasty food, and every right to snark at anyone who gets in your face about eating tasty food. Anyone acting like the Food Police is guilty of impersonating a law enforcement officer and should be subject to penalties. Or at the very least, derision.
6) If you put cream cheese in tacos and call them ‘authentic’, I will come over to your house and confiscate your computer.