The Ukulele is Dangerous

Here’s the deal: I spend a lot of my free time listening to Radio KOL, a free, online, volunteer-run, 24/7 radio station that’s loosely connected to the Kingdom of Loathing game I play.

KolMohDee, a.k.a. Howiepants (page has some NSFW language on it) was on last night, and to annoy people, he played a mashup of Ice, Ice, Baby and Tik Tok. Both of which are songs I enjoy because I have no taste.

And I mentioned in the chat room that I could play an acoustic version of Ice, Ice, Baby on my ukulele.

I believe Howiepants’ exact words were, “Get your ass on Skype and we’ll do that live.”

I got my ass on Skype. Then we had technical difficulties, and I couldn’t hear him, and he couldn’t hear me, so we tried just playing and I was hoping he was singing along…

This is the part where I need to teach you a little bit about playing the ukulele. The way I learned (from the Internets!) you strum primarily with your index fingernail. Now, my fingernails are prone to splitting and peeling when I’m not bashing them at 150 beats per minute against nylon strings. Right about the time I reach the chorus of Ice, Ice, Baby, my ukulele goes SPLANG and the top part of my right index fingernail goes FWEEEEE! across the room.

No, there aren’t pictures. And there was no blood, and not really much pain, so of course, I start laughing. Live. On air. To literally tens of listeners.

Then I have to explain the reason I’m laughing.

I trimmed it down to the quick, and then slapped a couple of layers of nail glue on it because it did have a serious crack that was threatening to split all the way down to the cuticles.

There’s a lot of discussion on ukulele boards about how to care for weak, splitting nails. I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and talk to the ladies at my salon about What Fake Nail Option Is Right For Me.

And it’s going to look REALLY funny since I’m only getting it on one nail.

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