First of all, Happy Birthday Peter! Yes, you’re in Africa and won’t see this for a while and will probably hate me for even saying it. Suck it up, old man.
Now, MIDDLEMAN! The Obsolescent Cryogenic Meltdown. After the stars, the spoilers are.
This episode I have anticipated almost as much as I did the trout-eating zombie episode. And you know what? They had me at Luftwaffles and Panzercakes. Tyler has brought herself to the Batter of the Bulge because they have Gut Wrencher 1, and he has $18 in quarters and they are making out like woah.
I think I’m too young for this. Ida, apparently, isn’t. I wonder if she’s about to make popcorn.
I am also not explaining why I shrieked when MM said “Story of O”. Do NOT Google that at work, kids.
My birthday is in September. I want a Jolly Fats Wehawken Employment Agency shirt. Also, I want to drink a beer in Utah. It’s a thing. “That’s Japanese Game Show Crazy.” That’s it, Lacey is my secret girlfriend. Back off, I called dibs. They’re talking about WW’s relationships, post and present. I zone out.
Because watching MM awkwardly remind WW about the fact her watch has a Real Time Situational Recording Archive. Code 86 will shut down the RTSRA. Remind this, I have a feeling it’s going to be important later. There’s a melted jewelry store downtown, and MM keeps asking if the proprietress is former KGB.
Sekret Idenntities: Alexander Scott, Kelly Robinson. A.K.A. the main characters from “I, Spy”.
“What kind of wingnut are we talking about?”
“The kind who could kill millions and take down cities and countries, and even puppy dogs and playgrounds.”
And in a shoutout to Joss Whedon, decisive action means going to the library! Or just a coincidence. It’s the MiddleLore. There’s a boredom toxin, I think they feed us that at work. WW wants to talk with MM about guys. I’m zoning out again, and falling in love again with MM. He says “it sounds like something from one of those hateful independent films”.
The bad guy is The Candle, formerly Prof. Lloyd Cranston. There’s backstory about melting and stuff. Ida’s freaked out, and she disobeys a direct order. WW asks where the strangely shaking and glowing door leads. To the cryo chamber, where the 1969 Middleman froze himself in case the Candle came back.
The big reveal: The ’69 Middleman is a NAKED KEVIN SORBO! And he’s to be referred to in canon as 69. Do you remember that earlier post where I pointed out I’m 12 years old? Heeeee.
69 has a thing with stripping nekkid. MM and WW find it awkward. 69 is staring at WW all pervy and talking like a jackass, wherein we find out WW could have picked her own uniform. There’s awkward thing where Ida’s flirting with 69 and ignores MM’s orders. Balthorium G is the Macguffin, and 69 asks for a bottle of High Karate. MM says something stupid, just imagine this part’s where I roll my eyes and thank God I’m not a man. Tyler can cook pizza from scratch. I called dibs on him last week, don’t forget that. He apparently wrote a famous song and left the band before they became big, and there’s kissing and before I can get bored, MM and 69 are about three minutes from whipping them out and measuring them. 69 is perving on WW and MM is flustered and he runs off. 69 is giving love advice, as in “Dump him before you fall in love or else it will end with someone getting taken hostage or ditching you for a supervillan who melts her face off with a ray gun” Oh, by the way, while this is going on MM is beating up some guy with a ray gun.
Turns out he was The Candle’s next door neighbor, and The Candle found Jesus and stopped being evil. The kid was supposed to donate the ray to science, but he was a greedy little tool. 69 grabs him by the throat and calls him a damn dirty hippy. I laugh. Because that’s what I do. MM demands 69 put him down. 69 gets out the torture insturments! MM stops him and calls him outside, and 69 is pissed off and hits MM! 69 pulls a gun, and Ida disarms him! “Sorry, Sugarbuns! There can only be one Middleman, and he’s it!” Oh, Ida. ♥
Not sure why the MM is chanting in Latin. 69 is being retired. As part of his retirement, he must state his name. Guy Goddard. Guy is hitting on Lacey. I want to rip his hands off. HE’S MINE DAMNIT. WW comes downstairs and finds Guy going through the cupboards looking for booze. Box Apple Wine. Ew. He’s in denial, looking for the Candle still. Guy is trying to talk WW into putting a tracker on the Bathorium G. WW points out MM will be pissed. Guy is a jackass, and I’d love it if WW wouldn’t fall for it, but the show’s only 2/3rds over.
Did he just say they’re playing Shiboomi? It’s a game where hesitation is met by decapitation. And hello leather catsuit. And hello bunny rabbits? This is totally a game that was created in a dorm room under the influence of various substances. Guy’s somewhere around. And someone’s going to get decapitated, so WW pulls her gun and eveyone else pulls weapons and MM swings in with his sonic ball (I don’t remember what the hell it’s called) and knocks everyone out. He’s been watching, of course, and they toddle off to find out that The Candle melted Guy’s hand. But it’s okay, Ida hooks him up with… uh, a hook. And she calls him a woobie. D’Awwwww And then says, “Don’t get fresh with me, pony boy, or Imight have to take you up on something.”
WW’s snark becomes the right answer. Heeee. Talk and walk. Guy starts off, and pitches back and forth with MM
“Chickie-baby’s never been to a supervillan island lair, has she? Sweetie, when a bad man builds a home for a world destroying ray, the first thing he buys—”
“—are automated missle defense packages, ”
“—android guards who will keep protecting the island after the supervillan has died, ”
“—and a lot of Scandinavian furniture.”
Yes, I did just type all this out for the understated IKEA reference. I hated working there, and yet, it got into my blood… damn splinters. Anyway, there’s a MiddleSub covered in asbestos. WW calls Tyler, who’s at her door but she’s not. WW tells him to have Noser let him in and cook a meal to leave in her fridge. HE’S MINE, BITCHES! Oh, yeah, and he’s totally cool with her blowing him off for work, bla bla bla. They’re talking about love again, and MM says “Love is not an impossibility for us, it’s an impossibility for [Guy]”. Screentext says the cancersub The Middlesub.
WW — “I have a question! Why are you two in wet suits when I’m in this Honey Rider nightmare from Thunderball?”
Guy — “Honey Rider’s from Dr. No.”
WW — “Ah, you make me sick.”
SCANDINAVIAN FURNITURE! Except, oddly enough, not IKEA. Or at least not from the current line. Sigh. Three doors, three Middlemen. Doors are helpfully labeled 1,2, and 3. MM runs into a rotating melting ray. Guy is telling WW that The Candle melted MM and they have to run. WW demands to see it with her own eyes, and Guy pulls a gun on her. dun Dun DUN! WW is doing the reveal, Guy felt that if he got rid of MM he would be able to do the job and have WW as his partner. WW tells him to shoot, and points out he’s a coward with a melting ray. Realization hits, and WW disarms him. He insists there’s still a chance to save MM.
The current model of the melting ray doesn’t have an off switch. Guy sticks his hook into the melting ray and it goes boom, taking Guy with it. There’s a memorial and MM says, “I’m telling the truth, it’s only the facts that are changing.” WW gets a new uniform, which was apparently designed by Miley Cyrus. And there’s soup being eaten on the couch, and kissing again. Eeeew.
What? I’m 12!
I kind of wanted this post to be shorter than last week’s. Whoops.